Review: DISTRICT 9

Movie: District 9
MPAA Rating: R for bloody violence and pervasive language
Running Time: 1 hour and 52 minutes
Stars: Sharlto Copley
Writers: Neill Blomkamp, Terri Tatchell
Director: Neill Blomkamp

Every so often, a movie comes around that leaves you and the people around you in utter disbelief at what you're watching that you don't look away or even blink during it. Every so often a movie comes around that shocks you to your core, or makes you rethink your life. Every so often a movie comes around that makes you laugh, cry, cheer, empathize, loathe, or many other gaggles of emotions. Every so often, a movie comes around that is called a modern masterpiece (several of those proclamations have proved false upon multiple viewings). Well, I am here to tell you folks that "District 9" is truly a masterpiece of modern cinema.

Take equal parts "Blair Witch Project", "Cloverfield", "E.T." and a whole lot more originality than what I'm describing and you'll know what you're getting with this amazing film. It starts out with interview footage of our main character Wikus Van De Merwe (newcomer Copley), talking about the alien ship that has been hovering around the town of Johannesburg, South Africa for the last 20+ years. More interview footage is shown before we are thrown into the actual story itself. The people of Johannesburg have grown tired of the aliens that have been sectioned off from them by the government into District 9, a slum area rife with gangs, violence, etc. Apparently a lot more crime has come of them being here and after many complaints by the townspeople surrounding the area, the government has decided to re-locate the aliens to a new area, District 10. Wikus is sent in with the military to evict the aliens (called rather derogative-ly Prawns) and is not met with much happiness (he is often met with hostility from the visitors). The government is also looking to take all the technologically advanced weaponry the aliens are hiding. In searching one of the houses, Wikus finds the motherload of weapons and a cylinder that accidentally opens and sprays him with a liquid that begins to infect him and turn him into a Prawn.

To say more, would only ruin the excitement that you will feel watching this. Prior to seeing the film, I knew that the budget was $30 million, and I figured the special effects would really be hurt by the lack of funds, but it only aids the movie. The effects are amazing! The gore is also well done too, sometimes it even splatters the camera lens. What's even more astounding is that apparently a lot of the dialogue was improvised. The sharky cam, documentary style cinematography is great (rare praise from me considering I don't like my action movies to nauseate).

Much has been said about the film's newcomer director and producer Peter Jackson ("The Lord of the Rings" trilogy), making "D9" after their plans to make a feature film adaptation of the hit video game "Halo" fell through. In my humble opinion, I'm glad it all fell through, because if they hadn't we would not have "D9" and the best movie of the summer (high praise, considering this has been the summer for lame blockbusters, after 2008's "The Dark Knight"), even quite possibly the entire year.

My overall score for the film is a perfect, must-see 5 out of 5.

Review: G.I. JOE-THE RISE OF COBRA

Movie: G.I. Joe-The Rise of Cobra

MPAA Rating: PG-13 for strong sequences of action violence and mayhem throughout

Running Time: 1 hour and 58 minutes

Stars: Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Dennis Quaid, Christopher Eccleston, Sienna Miller, Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Writers: Stuart Beattie, David Elliott

Director: Stephen Sommers

The summer blockbuster has been a name always attached to big, dumb, manly action movies that are made to sell toys and popcorn/soda. This is definitely one of those. They almost always seem to follow the same formula:

Main character with issues

+ Sidekick who is almost always comic relief

+ Love interests for both characters

+ Lots of cleavage shots

+ Things blowing up left and right

- Intelligent dialogue, plot and good acting

--------------------------------------------------------------

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.

At first, this might sound like the exact formula for a Michael Bay film, but "Joe" succeeds in some areas where the recent Bay "Transformers" films have failed. Notably, the action scenes are well-filmed. You know almost exactly what's going on at all-times. Slow motion is not unnecessarily used either. The special effects, while not perfect (some look like cut scenes from a video game), do what's needed. The best scene in terms of the special effects and awesomeness, would have to be the Paris/Accelerator Suit scene. That and his utter lack of ego, make me respect Stephen Sommers all the more (although, I shall never forgive him for "The Mummy Returns" and "Van Helsing")

But things aren't perfect with this movie. As mentioned in the formula, the dialogue is really really bad. Almost Transformers bad. But thank God, they did not go the base humor route, and throw in crude sexual jokes for no reason. The humor that is there though for the most part is typical one liner sidekick jokes from Marlon Wayans, that also for the most part do not generate any laughs (I think I chuckled at one line). The acting too isn't all that great either, but thankfully a couple of the actors (Eccleston, Quaid and Gordon-Levitt) know they're in a movie that's based on a line of toy action figures and an 80's animated TV series, and chew the scenery to bits. Thankfully, that and the well-done action scenes save this from joining the list of horrible big-budget blockbusters that have stolen what little intelligence I had left in my head (I'm looking at you "Terminator Salvation" and "Transformers 2").

For a super awful movie, this one's entertainment value increased its overall score to

3 out of 5 stars.

Oh, almost forgot to mention, I cannot wait for the Rifftrax version of this movie because I can guarantee it'll one up quite a few of the great riffs my friend and I were laying down watching this.

Review: HANNAH MONTANA-THE MOVIE

Movie: Hannah Montana-The Movie

MPAA Rating: G

Running Time: 1 hour and 42 minutes

Stars: Miley Cyrus, Billy Ray Cyrus, Emily Osment, Vanessa Williams

Director: Peter Chelsom

Writer: Daniel Berendsen

Have you ever wondered what staring death in the face looks like? Or what a celluloid abortion might be? Look no further than this abhorrent excuse for a feature film. There are no words in any dictionary or thesaurus to explain how bad this movie is. Not even comparing it to another bad film, because that would only end up shaming that film. Prior to seeing this bastardization of cinema, I knew little to nothing about "Hannah Montana" the TV show, other than she's a big hit with a lot of teen girls. I decided to give the film a shot, to see if perhaps I could riff the hell out of it, but wow, no amount of sarcastic or witty comments can save it from being the movie equivalent of a lifetime spent in Hell. The acting from 99.9% of the cast is atrocious, as is the piss-poor excuse for a screenplay. The music will make even the most trained in pop-music ears bleed for days. If you have a teenage daughter, a younger sister, a girlfriend or God-forbid, a wife, who wants to see this movie...save yourself the 102 minutes of horror and enter a mental institution because you'll want to check yourself in after seeing this. I weep for the future.

Simply put, this rates no more than 0 out of 5 stars.

January 2009-July 2009 Catch Up

Movies I've watched (theatrically) this year, so far (grades out of 5):

UP: (4.5)

Disneynature: EARTH (3.5)

Star Trek (4.5)

Terminator Salvation (1)

Duplicity (1.5)

12 Rounds (1.5)

Monsters vs. Aliens (3)

Fast & Furious (2.5)

Observe and Report (4)

State of Play (3.5)

Crank: High Voltage (3)

Knowing (2.5)

Miss March (2.5)

The Last House on the Left (1)

He's Just Not That Into You (3.5)

My Bloody Valentine 3D (3)

Push (2.5)

Watchmen (4)

The Hangover (4)

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (1.5)

Away We Go (4.5)

(500) Days of Summer (4)

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (4)

Moon (3.5)

Public Enemies (5)

17 Again (3.5)

Orphan (3)

I Love You Man (3.5)

Fanboys (3.5)

Taken (3.5)

Adventureland (4)

Coraline (4)

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2.5)